Wednesday, March 25, 2009

" staring into there yellow eyes without blinking once,"

Mother: "Every time I read the book to my daughter, she screams."
Maurice Sendak [author]: "Then why did you continue reading it to her when she does not like it?"
Mother: "She ought to, it's a Caldecott book."

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Ritalin is Disapointing

"You'll feel like you can build the Death Star with your bare hands!"  That's what my friend told me before letting me sample one of his Ritalin pills.  I admit I was excited.  I had planned on compiling a list of words that rhymed with orange and figuring out what the sound of one hand clapping was like but twenty five miligrams later I just felt a little sleepy.  The drowsiness may have been the medication or my lack of sleep the previous night.  Either way I was a bit let down.  If you can't rely on drugs improving your life what else do you have?

Monday, February 16, 2009

The Musical Consequences of Poor Parenting

If you dance and sing in lingerie and a leather jacket in front of the battleship full of sailors while your son (he's the ones in the sunglasses) plays guitar for you...

he will grow up and make music like this;

A Dope cover band whose aspiration is to open for Marilyn Manson and you will have no one to blame but yourself.

12:21 AM

If I ever have twins I'm going to tattoo half a treasure map on each of them and then separate them at a young age leaving only enough clues for them to find each other.  The tattoo map will lead them on an odyssey of high jinks and self-discovery with danger around every corner.  After an epic adventure they'll find the real treasure is their relationship as brothers and the value of having a father who can sell a true story to Disney. 

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Bathroom Art & Finally An Affordable Cult

This painting was hung in the men's bathroom in the BYU art museum.  Photos courtesy of my friend who works in the museum.  They think it may be currently exhibiting artist Dan Steinhilber working under a alias.

Somethings you just can't satirize something because it's very existence is like parody masturbating.  It's like the guys who write the SNL parody commercials were like; "Hey what if we did one of a blanket with sleeves! [chuckle, pause]  Hey, that's kind of a good idea..."  

I hate it  when my blankets slip and slide!

Monday, February 2, 2009


While performing my duties as a flower deliver man a state trooper pulled me over.  We all make mistakes.  There is no way he could have known I was minutes away from being late delivering those dozen stargazer lilies.  The proper thing to do would be to extol me to drive safely and send me on my way but he had the audacity to cite me.

Now I can understand giving a ticket to this guy.  This is smug Masshole JT;

That's not the guy he met though.  He met  pious, slightly bewildered
 by life and how girls don't call him back, Utahn JT;

How could you give him a ticket!?  

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Soft Shoe and Hard Time

Aside from being underly aggressive and far too attractive, I wouldn't make it in prison because I drop the soap all the time.  I can't even keep my hands on a loofah.  If I went to prison it would sound something like this; "Have you seen that new guy!? He is such a flirt!".  That's why If I went to prison I would want to go to this prison...

That's over 1,500 inmates at Cebu Provincial Rehabilitaion and Detention Center in The Philippines getting there "Thriller" on.  They practice hours a day and their repertoire is deeper than you'd think.  I'd much rather hear; "Jay Teeee [my prison name]! It's toe, heel, toe, shimmy, shimmy, jazz fingers!" than "BOY!  Yur mowf iz preddy!"

Special Note:  I wanted to name my blog "Short Attention Span Theater" after my old myspace blog but some guy named Greg already has it.  I'm not too mad because he really needs it more.  It's kind of like a surgeon general's warning for blogs because if you have a regular attention span his blog will make it sad.  "Inconvenient Dinosaur" I ripped off of Reed.